Monday, December 28, 2009

He'll if I Know

It wasn't bitter cold, it wasn't snowing. It wasn't a dirty slush day either, the one you have to dance the slosh to come home without frostbite but you're still soaked and freezing.

It was stay-at-home because you want to weather. It was a watch-a-movie-alone day. It was a clean-out-the-fridge-with-your-face-because-you-have-to-and-you're-leaving-tomorrow-anyway day.

I walked through the cemetery to drop off a Christmas present. There were two groups of people there: one, a group of undertakers placing the marble monolith over a fresh grave. The other, a large group of mourners under a blue polystyrene canopy all in black and driving vans. Apparently people die the week of Christmas too.

My friend wasn't home, so I left the present on the doorknob and walked back, avoiding the mourners and their eerily subdued children. I avoided the cemetery gate against which my once-boy-now-best friend had pushed me to kiss me harder than I wanted. I avoided the memory of the cushion of the chainlink against my back, I avoided his remembered whispers of apology and remorse after I pushed him off.

I walked past the basketball stadium, avoiding the two players coming out. I didn't ask them if they could give my friend a Christmas present: A date with one of their teammates. I didn't even stand up straight to my full height as I usually do when tall boys walk near me.

I got home and curled up on the couch with a blanket that smelled of new, hoping to avoid the draft by the window. It didn't work. Instead I turned on a girl-power figure-skating movie and drank the last of the bubbly in the fridge.

Except it wasn't bubbly. But I drank it straight from its long necked bottle. And threw out rotten avocados. And old cheese.

I also misread the words “three pair” - i thought it said “knee pad.” As these were in reference to socks, I didn't think it was too far of a stretch. Wouldn't you buy knee padded socks? I wouldn't, but that's just because no matter how long the socks are, they never reach my knees.

In other news: The definition of Thoguh (not though, THOGUH) derived from the Urban Dictionary.

(Drumroll, please)


clears throat

“Hell if I know.”

Thank you, thank you, please, save your applause for those that actually deserve it. No, seriously. SHUT UP.

Anyway, I like how it kinda sounds and looks like SHOGUN, which, everyone knows is a king-like figure thing in eastern cultures. I think.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I watched your eyes fill with tears and you cave in on yourself, leaning forward, hunching yourself to your knees in a paroxysm of grief. I didn't know why, but I could see your pain streaming down your face, wracking your shoulders.

You lifted your face, your eyes reaching for mine, searching for relief. You asked me silently for something I couldn't give you. I couldn't stop the pain.

But I could offer some comfort against it.

I opened my arms and you leaned into me, your wet cheek on my chest, your hot forehead against my neck. My hand stroked your face as the other tried in vain to hold your heaving shoulders together. Your arms dangled loosely, forgotten. I didn't mind, I didn't need your comfort. You kept it for yourself. Take mine, you need it. I'm willing to give it all.

Please, take all you need.

I don't know how long you remained in my arms. Eventually the sobs slowed, then stopped. Your ragged breathing evened and quieted, but still we sat. I lost the time, and forever touched a moment around us.

Your sticky tears dried against my skin, stiff and salty. Your eyes closed, soothed by my quiet humming and gentle rocking. You fell asleep in my arms as if you were my baby, even though you are older than I.

I disregarded your dead weight and the tingle in my curled legs. Your breaths were slow, rhythmic, warm. You were blissfully unaware. I couldn't bring myself to wake you.

I left your head resting on a throw pillow, your body warmed by a blanket, your mind eased by your dreamless sleep, your heart heavy, your cheek momentarily warmed by a single quiet kiss.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Thanks to Give Late

Thanksgiving on Black Friday

Thanksgiving this year wasn't used for thanksgiving. It took me until the day after to see just what I am most grateful for.

The day after is Black Friday, the day when crazy people camp out in front of stores just to get that one item for a ridiculously good price. Stampedes, claws, thievery, all rampant.

I wasn't one of the many shoppers, I was one of the poor saps behind the counter dealing with these people all day.

I had gotten four hours of sleep the night before, I woke up at 5.30 AM to get to work by 7, and worked 8 and a half hours. All I did was stand, push numbers, and talk to irate people, sometimes unintentionally feeding their anger.

I got home, went straight to my shower and intended to go straight to bed.

All i wanted was someone to hold my exhausted body in their arms and to give me a foot massage before I even asked.

I do know someone that would do that for me. Unfortunately he couldn't, because I'll not see him again for 2 more years.

I realized while sitting in the shower what I'm really grateful for.

I'm grateful that I know what it's like to have someone that would.

Two years. Two years for what? For serving his Lord and Maker, his personal Savior. Two years in constant dedication to the Lord, my God, Jesus Christ.

I miss him terribly and could ask him to come back any time. I won't, because I know how important his mission is. Even if I did ask, he wouldn't come, because he knows how important it is too.

As grateful I am for Scott and our wonderful, wonderful relationship, that gratitude shrivels next to the gratitude I have to my Lord and Maker, my personal Savior, my Lord, my God, Jesus Christ.

I can't express that here. I never will be able to, even if that's all I were to talk about every minute of my life.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Question for You:

What does snot smell like?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Shadows on the Wall

Last night I couldn't sleep, as usual. I was haunted by yet another phantom of my past. Instead of the usual once-boyfriend phantom or the stinging-reply-in-hindsight phantom, or even the what-am-I-going-to-do-tomorrow phantom, it was one whose mere presence was almost ironic.

It was the phantom of my first insomnia.

I was four or five, a young girl still trying to understand the natural world. I was just beginning to understand that objects left unsupported fell. I was fascinated by my shadow in the sunset, that I was taller than my giant father. I also noticed that things looked different in the dark. That colors were still there, but instead of being green, torquoise, and gold they varied in shades of black.

I lay awake in my bed, in the middle of my once blue, now dust colored room. The venetian blinds covering the window were cracked just enough to let the streetlamp's light in from across the deserted street. The stripes gashed across my wall; vibrant, fresh. I reached out a hand to feel the line of contrast, to touch the bleeding light and the lifeless wall.

I was almost surprised to see that I could never touch the light. I couldn't place my fingers on it, there was always a shadow beneath them. I couldn't touch the light, but it could touch me. I lifted my arm higher along the wall, admiring the straight lines cast across my skin and the wall alike. I lay back in bed, my arm still above my head and above the windowsill, the light and shadow still caressing me. I marveled that its touch was nonexistent, but the zebra stripe glove on my skin was as real as the arm shaped shadow interrupting the stripe pattern on the wall behind it.

The stripes would shift position as I did, making the glove as long or as short as I pleased, but however I moved it the stripes never changed shape or angle, the glove always fitting as gloves should.

The next night I was still fascinated by the combination of the streetlight and the blinds across my window. I was for a week, until I realized that I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. By that time it was too late, I was an insomniac. I was too fascinated by the curiosities of a dark bedroom.

I can still remember that night, a week later, as I was playing with my zebra glove. “If only I could just take a nap. A nap would be great. I'm so tired, but I don't want to sleep, I just want to nap.” It was then that I realized something else: When you napped you slept, and neither would be easy for me ever again.

Fifteen years later it's still hard for me to sleep, nap or doze. But it's not often that something as simple as the shadow cast on my wall is the one thing that keeps me up at night. I realized that night, that this was the first time I'd slept under venetian blinds in five years. I was almost glad to have reconnected with my childhood, even though it meant another night of less-than-stellar sleep.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


8 months, 5 days.

January 2nd to September 7th.

We'd endured 5 months of long distance, 3500 miles of driving, 1400 miles in flight, hours on the phone, parent-imposed curfews, a summer of work - not play, finals week, midterms, two moves, family members departing, pleasant surprises, gifts, emergency lunches, thrift shop trips, walks, piggybacks with sisters, a mission call, sushi, picnics - both sunlit and candlelit, slurpees, a first (and second and third) taco, movies, car cleaning, sunsets, moonrises, a roommate's wedding reception, libraries, reading under a trampoline, sunsets, moonrises, hikes, adventures, getting lost, getting found, ward hopping, homicidal mothers yelling EY!, indian food, implications, selfishness, forgiveness, selflessness, miscommunications, falls, band aids, private whispers, screams of delight, exhaustion, promises, plans left undone, plans completed, exhilaration, love.

I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I fear I never will again.

Last weekend as we held each other on my doorstep, it felt different. I loved him, but didn't need him. Things were ending, whether I wanted them to or not.

Last week as I'd walk across campus I'd see couples holding hands or lying in the sun. I hated them. I hated them for having something I couldn't. My Scott was gone, but on Saturday I'd show them.
This week when I see a woman leaning her head on her man's shoulder, her eyes closed; when I see a couple necking passionately in their own owrld in the middle of the bustling hallway, there was no jealousy. There was no hate. My Scott really was gone.

I was expecting to break up with him, not to break up with each other. It was entirely mutual, unlike the inception of our relationship. He was always the first to pick me up, drive me home, put an arm around me, hold my hand, say "I like you," then "I've fallen for you," then lean in and kiss me. At the beginning he invested far more far quicker than I, therefore I wasn't expecting him to be done before me. I was expecting to lay it all out, step aside, and let m stubborn, insistent side carry me through the subsequent and expected waves of misery.
No, he knew it had to be over, just as I did the last night we saw each other.

At times I wish I had my tenacity on my side, but it's lain dormant as of late. Instead there's something else, something deeper. Something that says "I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, much less in the next couple years, but it'll be all right." I'm sad, but I'm not morose. I'm not curled in a fetal position surrounded by a halo of chocolate wrappers. It just feels right, and my tenacity isn't insisting that I be wrong.

Scott has been my best (albeit only) boyfriend, but also one of my best friends. He is my best guy friend, and one of the best men I've ever known. Despite his protests, he has been the absolute best I've ever had.

Scott, I love you.

Thank you for teaching me how.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Ever had one of those nights where you're so tired that you flop onto your bed and instantly fall asleep without even a blanket on top of you? And then in the middle of the night you half wake up and realize that you are, in fact, cold. But you are also ridiculously comfortable there, curled up and dozing that you can't bear to move and spoil the immense contentment wrapped around you in the blanket's stead. So you just lie there, wishing you were warmer but unwilling to do anything about it.

That's what I was doing last year. I was too comfortable that I didn't change anything until I simply couldn't stand it anymore. Until I realized that nothing was going to change unless I changed it. Until I realized that my misery was self inflicted.

Last year my misery made me into something I didn't recognize. I didn't even realize that the monster I'd become even existed. My misery made me angry. My anger made me sarcastic, caustic, and eager to inflict pain on others. I was malicious. I refused to meet new people. Since I refused to meet people, I forgot how to do it. I withdrew inside myself, unwilling to come out even around the people I loved the most. I spent my time doing absolutely nothing, making no memories, useful skills, or even talents. I did only what was required, and even then, only the bare minimum.

I contemplated dropping out of high school, even though I only had one term left and one class left to pass. I obsessed over men who brought out the worst in me. I lied skillfully to remove suspicion and bring more on others around me. I twisted words, situations, feelings, arms. I cared for no one, including myself. I did what I wanted, so long as it wouldn't get me in trouble that night. I respected visible boundaries while skipping gleefully around the ones I could easily sneak past. The smallest slights wounded me deeply and I refused to let them go. What once were molehills were now mountains, the mountains molehills. I scorned everything that I had once held dear. I forgot about the people and places and things I had once loved.

I thank God that this is no longer me.

I asked rhetorically last night, “What was I thinking?” The only answer I got was, “Maybe you weren't.”

He was right.

Monday, May 4, 2009

In Retrospect

We do dances differently here. We don't go on dates until we're 16, and even then, we usually go in groups. Two or more couples. I guess it's a good way to learn how to date, it keeps kids out of trouble, and it forces them to meet new people.

My little brother went to Prom this year. He rented a tux (with a bow-tie. I love bow-ties.), bought her a corsage, matched his vest/tie to her dress, and went in a group of five total couples. I don't know where he got his information, but he did it right. I'm proud of that kid.
My boyfriend's sister went too. Scott and I were setting up the family trampoline in the backyard while she was getting ready with a family friend and cousin. We came in muddy, dusty, scratched up, and she was standing there like a princess in her black and white dress. We were scared to touch her, all we could do was watch.

A knock came at the door. Everyone was there: Grandma, Dad, Mom, Friend, Friend's 18 month old baby, Cousin, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Princess. We crowded out of the entryway of the split level house to greet the poor boy coming to pick her up. Baby was running around behind the cameramen, throwing rocks and getting trampled. All the people, pictures, screaming baby. . . Scott and I left. Even still, I couldn't help thinking of the only time I went to a formal dance.
I was a senior, I felt obligated to go to Homecoming with an acquaintance. Turns out he had almost no friends and spent his days and weekends reading anime at home. He was a temp janitor for a local elementary school. He was huge. I hardly ever talked to him, and the date was no different.

While at this dance, I hardly danced with our group, preferring to panhandle around the high school's gym in search of my friends who were actually enjoying their dates. At one point he thought I'd ditched him. (I hadn't. . .intentionally) I wanted to throw up whenever I looked at my date, and I tried to stay away from him as much as possible, though I couldn't entirely out of politeness.

This year's Prom was Scott and my five-month mark. We've never had a fight, though we have had our problems. We've had the good fortune of being able to work through them and becoming stronger and closer because of it. I'm home for the summer. I don't have to miss Scott any more - I've seen him every single day – a far cry from our once-every-two-weeks-maybe arrangement.

Anyway, Scott's sister, I hope you had fun. You too, Brother, even with my Homecoming date in your Prom group.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Impossible is Possible Tonight

I broke down today.

That never happens.

And of course, it's when it's snowing in April, I'm uncontactable, and I won't see my sister again for 18 months.

18 months. A year and a half. You might think it's no big deal. You're wrong. You have to realize that we've been best friends since I was born. In fact, I was her three-year-old birthday present. The longest we've EVER been apart is about seven weeks.
Seven weeks... versus 18 months? Sure, sisters fight, but we always moved past that within a day. I didn't have friends when i was little because I didn't need any, I had her.

Couldn't call my support network (beautiful boyfriend) because I'm out of minutes - i was talkin' to my sis for the last time and used them all.

lost my wallet. My entire life on paper, GONE. My identity, COMPROMISED. great.

and it's snowing again.


So in retaliation i've been gorging myself on leftover easter chocolate, coke (my fave anger drink) and watching mystery movies in my unlighted dorm room on my roommie's laptop.

i do now have a laptop... it's just at home. twas my sister's.

i'll miss you, carolyn.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Best February Ever

February is always the time when it won't snow, and the snow won't melt. It feels like winter will never end, and the cold wind will never stop blowing. It's the month to crave watermelon, lemonade, and corn on the cob. It's midterm season. The nights still start early. The mornings start early too. Earlier than I get up...

Maybe that's why this February seems different from the rest. Maybe it's because I'm out on my own. Maybe it's because this year midterms actually mean that the semester's half over. Maybe it's because I am actually in a relationship. Maybe it's because I'm in a relationship that is mutual and both of us are happy where we are. Maybe it's because I'm living on my own.

Regardless, I've got a bucket of chocolate next to me, a new teddy bear to cuddle, and it's not unbearably hot in my apartment.

Quite honestly, I'm glad my boyfriend lives two hours away. It makes the time we have together special. And that time together is usually on the weekends when i refuse to study. which means our time is both special AND unstressed!

my boy can read my mind. If i didn't like it so much it would almost be scary.
my boy makes me laugh. which is a far cry from what the last few could do.
my boy speaks fluently to my father.
my boy will let me bite him.
my boy knows what really matters and will put that first.
my boy loves me for who i am, and doesn't ask for anything else.

thank you scott. thanks for everything.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Interesting how just a glimpse of a dripping water faucet or a pair of feet clad in bright green converse can turn my horrible day into something a little above tolerable.