Broken

I sat there twirling the perfect sunflower found on my seat. I swallowed hard against a hot, thick ball forming in my throat. I willed the tears not to burst through the dams of my eyelids. I wasn't sure I really wanted to be there, but I knew I really didn't want to talk, frustrated with circumstances, confused by previous words, blinded by prior mistakes,

He broke my shell of silence

"Can I hold you?"

He didn't just hold my body to his own, he reached out over the parking brake and held my shivering heart.

He'll if I Know

It wasn't bitter cold, it wasn't snowing. It wasn't a dirty slush day either, the one you have to dance the slosh to come home without frostbite but you're still soaked and freezing.

It was stay-at-home because you want to weather. It was a watch-a-movie-alone day. It was a clean-out-the-fridge-with-your-face-because-you-have-to-and-you're-leaving-tomorrow-anyway day.

I walked through the cemetery to drop off a Christmas present. There were two groups of people there: one, a group of undertakers placing the marble monolith over a fresh grave. The other, a large group of mourners under a blue polystyrene canopy all in black and driving vans. Apparently people die the week of Christmas too.

My friend wasn't home, so I left the present on the doorknob and walked back, avoiding the mourners and their eerily subdued children. I avoided the cemetery gate against which my once-boy-now-best friend had pushed me to kiss me harder than I wanted. I avoided the memory of the cushion of the chainlink against my back, I avoided his remembered whispers of apology and remorse after I pushed him off.

I walked past the basketball stadium, avoiding the two players coming out. I didn't ask them if they could give my friend a Christmas present: A date with one of their teammates. I didn't even stand up straight to my full height as I usually do when tall boys walk near me.

I got home and curled up on the couch with a blanket that smelled of new, hoping to avoid the draft by the window. It didn't work. Instead I turned on a girl-power figure-skating movie and drank the last of the bubbly in the fridge.

Except it wasn't bubbly. But I drank it straight from its long necked bottle. And threw out rotten avocados. And old cheese.

I also misread the words “three pair” - i thought it said “knee pad.” As these were in reference to socks, I didn't think it was too far of a stretch. Wouldn't you buy knee padded socks? I wouldn't, but that's just because no matter how long the socks are, they never reach my knees.


In other news: The definition of Thoguh (not though, THOGUH) derived from the Urban Dictionary.

(Drumroll, please)

....

clears throat

“Hell if I know.”


Thank you, thank you, please, save your applause for those that actually deserve it. No, seriously. SHUT UP.

Anyway, I like how it kinda sounds and looks like SHOGUN, which, everyone knows is a king-like figure thing in eastern cultures. I think.

The Impossible is Possible Tonight

I broke down today.

That never happens.

And of course, it's when it's snowing in April, I'm uncontactable, and I won't see my sister again for 18 months.

18 months. A year and a half. You might think it's no big deal. You're wrong. You have to realize that we've been best friends since I was born. In fact, I was her three-year-old birthday present. The longest we've EVER been apart is about seven weeks.
Seven weeks... versus 18 months? Sure, sisters fight, but we always moved past that within a day. I didn't have friends when i was little because I didn't need any, I had her.

Couldn't call my support network (beautiful boyfriend) because I'm out of minutes - i was talkin' to my sis for the last time and used them all.

lost my wallet. My entire life on paper, GONE. My identity, COMPROMISED. great.

and it's snowing again.

*sighs*

So in retaliation i've been gorging myself on leftover easter chocolate, coke (my fave anger drink) and watching mystery movies in my unlighted dorm room on my roommie's laptop.

i do now have a laptop... it's just at home. twas my sister's.

i'll miss you, carolyn.

Best February Ever

February is always the time when it won't snow, and the snow won't melt. It feels like winter will never end, and the cold wind will never stop blowing. It's the month to crave watermelon, lemonade, and corn on the cob. It's midterm season. The nights still start early. The mornings start early too. Earlier than I get up...

Maybe that's why this February seems different from the rest. Maybe it's because I'm out on my own. Maybe it's because this year midterms actually mean that the semester's half over. Maybe it's because I am actually in a relationship. Maybe it's because I'm in a relationship that is mutual and both of us are happy where we are. Maybe it's because I'm living on my own.

Regardless, I've got a bucket of chocolate next to me, a new teddy bear to cuddle, and it's not unbearably hot in my apartment.

Quite honestly, I'm glad my boyfriend lives two hours away. It makes the time we have together special. And that time together is usually on the weekends when i refuse to study. which means our time is both special AND unstressed!

my boy can read my mind. If i didn't like it so much it would almost be scary.
my boy makes me laugh. which is a far cry from what the last few could do.
my boy speaks fluently to my father.
my boy will let me bite him.
my boy knows what really matters and will put that first.
my boy loves me for who i am, and doesn't ask for anything else.

thank you scott. thanks for everything.