The Impossible is Possible Tonight

I broke down today.

That never happens.

And of course, it's when it's snowing in April, I'm uncontactable, and I won't see my sister again for 18 months.

18 months. A year and a half. You might think it's no big deal. You're wrong. You have to realize that we've been best friends since I was born. In fact, I was her three-year-old birthday present. The longest we've EVER been apart is about seven weeks.
Seven weeks... versus 18 months? Sure, sisters fight, but we always moved past that within a day. I didn't have friends when i was little because I didn't need any, I had her.

Couldn't call my support network (beautiful boyfriend) because I'm out of minutes - i was talkin' to my sis for the last time and used them all.

lost my wallet. My entire life on paper, GONE. My identity, COMPROMISED. great.

and it's snowing again.

*sighs*

So in retaliation i've been gorging myself on leftover easter chocolate, coke (my fave anger drink) and watching mystery movies in my unlighted dorm room on my roommie's laptop.

i do now have a laptop... it's just at home. twas my sister's.

i'll miss you, carolyn.

raptures and reveries

one of my dear friends recently said that she thinks that heaven must feel like getting into your bed after a long day.

she's right. it does. and yes,
i know what death feels like.

i was walking in the cemetery after dark. alone. it was mid-october.

i felt, i felt, nothing.

i couldn't feel my hands at the end of my arms, nor the toes at the end of my feet. but i wasn't cold.
and i didn't care.

i walked on, slowly. not wondering at it, but just taking it in. i didn't need to think about it.

i could see a full 180 degrees around my head, every angle with equal clarity. i didn't need to look over to see it, my mind simply concentrated on that spot and i knew what was there.

i was still alive - i could only see 180 degrees. i knew that if i had been dead i could see the entire sphere around my head. if i was dead i'd be able to see the ground below me concurrent with the sky behind me.

i walked on, hearing the sounds around me. i had no reaction for them, for they didn't matter. they weren't distant, i was.

i didn't need to breathe.

nor did i need my body.

it was like falling asleep after a really long day.