Friday, October 8, 2010

Closer

The morning after Scott talked to me again, I had woken heartsick. Not just the heavy heart kind, it was the sick through the entire body, especially around my heart. I could hardly eat, and I was supposed to go to work that day. Andy was there, like he always was. Somehow I was able to put on a passable grimace, laid my head on his chest, and endured until we got in the car to go to work. While in the car, I was still ill. My limbs ached, my stomach churned, my breaths were shallow and uncontrolled.

I sat next to him holding his hand in mine. I looked at it, and kept looking because the pain somehow disappeared every time I did. When he pulled his hand away to shift gears, the pain returned, but muted. His hand returned and the pain fled.

I tried not to tell Andy. I could only keep it bottled for a single day. As we sat tangled in each other's arms I whispered it in his ear, “I love you.”

That was only a few short weeks ago. His parting words were, “Good luck,” and, “I still love you.”

My only words were, “Thank you.”

In a way, I left because I loved another more. Not Scott, no. I loved another even before Scott. Deeper than I could ever love either of these wonderful men I've chosen. It has come time to choose again, and I wish to God that I will always choose Him over any other.

Andy, I know I just broke your heart, and I'm sorry for it.

Thank you.

For everything.

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